Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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