I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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