I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
