I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
