Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
