I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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