Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
