i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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