I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
