did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Apparently you make a good broom.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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