Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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