you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
