I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize