i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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