I heard we made out
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
