Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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