Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
