living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
