My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
