Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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