We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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