I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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