Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
