Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
