And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
