Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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