i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
