You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
