there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
