ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
