When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
we made out on top of his cat.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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