If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
