we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I could make wine with my vomit
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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