the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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