Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
