i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize