Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Randomize
