put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
