Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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