i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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