Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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