so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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