My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize