Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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