the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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