I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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