you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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