I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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