omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
