I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize