The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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