sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
