We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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