I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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