Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
