My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
