So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
