i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
